How do I know it's abuse?

I mean, maybe I'm overreacting. 

Maybe I'm too sensitive. Or not patient enough. Or I just don't understand them? 

If I tried harder, maybe it'll fix things? 

Or maybe we could go to counseling, or... maybe I should go? Because....

...what if I'm the one who's the problem?


If you find yourself thinking things like that, ask yourself: If a friend, or a co-worker, or your partner, or a family member, or your kid-- if someone you cared about was in your position, and asked for your advice, what would you say to them?

Part of recovering from abuse is 

learning to show yourself the respect and compassion that you'd show to someone else in your situation.

Magnetism vs Normalization

Sometimes, it feels like we go from one abusive relationship to another-- sometimes not as bad as the one before it, sometimes worse.

And if it happens again and again, maybe you start to wonder if you're sending out signals to toxic people. "Hey, you! Yeah, you, you big A-hole! Are you looking for someone to lie to or bully or scapegoat or scream at or beat up? Because I'm totally available!"

Toxic behavior

Toxic people may...

• treat their partners like extensions of themselves. If we're not perfect, if we make mistakes, if we don't do exactly what they tell us to do when they tell us to do it, they may start treating us like failures, or disappointments. (And they're the ones who define right and wrong, so often we're in a perpetual no-win loop.)
• treat their partners like objects-- toys that are wonderful, exciting, and adorable! Until they actually have to, you know, take care of us, or give up something for us, or if people pay more attention to us than to the toxic, or-- gasp!-- if we want to think for ourselves, or if we disagree with them. (How dare we?!)
• treat their partners like confidants and counselors and shoulders to cry on (and beat on-- verbally or physically or both).
• treat their partners like scapegoats. We get blamed for everything, sometimes for things that happened before we met them-- all so the toxic can believe that they are truly without fault.
• treat their partners like they're proof of their amazingness. See what good people they are? Obviously all of our successes are because they're wonderful people... and all of our failures are because we're horrible people who won’t listen to them!

What they almost never do is...

• accept that their partners have flaws and faults, gifts and talents.
• show their partners respect, compassion, and love.
• treat their partners like actual human beings.

You deserve better treatment than
what your toxic partner gave you.

It's not just physical !

Am not getting abused! My partner has never hit me before! 

Many people don't realize that abuse isn't just physical. 

Remember that time that they told you, constantly over and over, that you were worthless and that no body cared about you? 

Or what about that time that they humiliated you in front of your friends and family ? 

What about those endless screaming matches that happen almost every night in the place that you call "Home" ? 

ABUSE isn't just physical, It's also emotional, verbal, sexual and neglect.  

Forgive and/or Forget? Totally up to you!

Someone who treats you like crap doesn't get a vote on this one. They don't have a right to your forgiveness; they don't get to erase their actions.

I mean, sure, you can forgive and forget-- if it helps you let go of anger and pain and grief, if it gives you peace of mind, if it's what you need to heal.

Or you can forgive, but not forget-- if the memories help you remember why you can't trust them, but forgiving them helps get them out of your brain.

Or you can forget, but not forgive-- you can shut out the things that hurt you so you can move on with your life, but refuse to give your abusers a free pass.

OR

You can neither forgive nor forget. You can say "No. You did these things to me, and you're not sorry, and you're not changing, and I don't want you anymore."

None of those options are either right or wrong. Everyone's needs are different, and in the end, you can do what you need to do to recover.

You have the right to take care of yourself.