How do I know it's abuse?

I mean, maybe I'm overreacting. 

Maybe I'm too sensitive. Or not patient enough. Or I just don't understand them? 

If I tried harder, maybe it'll fix things? 

Or maybe we could go to counseling, or... maybe I should go? Because....

...what if I'm the one who's the problem?


If you find yourself thinking things like that, ask yourself: If a friend, or a co-worker, or your partner, or a family member, or your kid-- if someone you cared about was in your position, and asked for your advice, what would you say to them?

Part of recovering from abuse is 

learning to show yourself the respect and compassion that you'd show to someone else in your situation.

Magnetism vs Normalization

Sometimes, it feels like we go from one abusive relationship to another-- sometimes not as bad as the one before it, sometimes worse.

And if it happens again and again, maybe you start to wonder if you're sending out signals to toxic people. "Hey, you! Yeah, you, you big A-hole! Are you looking for someone to lie to or bully or scapegoat or scream at or beat up? Because I'm totally available!"

Toxic behavior

Toxic people may...

• treat their partners like extensions of themselves. If we're not perfect, if we make mistakes, if we don't do exactly what they tell us to do when they tell us to do it, they may start treating us like failures, or disappointments. (And they're the ones who define right and wrong, so often we're in a perpetual no-win loop.)
• treat their partners like objects-- toys that are wonderful, exciting, and adorable! Until they actually have to, you know, take care of us, or give up something for us, or if people pay more attention to us than to the toxic, or-- gasp!-- if we want to think for ourselves, or if we disagree with them. (How dare we?!)
• treat their partners like confidants and counselors and shoulders to cry on (and beat on-- verbally or physically or both).
• treat their partners like scapegoats. We get blamed for everything, sometimes for things that happened before we met them-- all so the toxic can believe that they are truly without fault.
• treat their partners like they're proof of their amazingness. See what good people they are? Obviously all of our successes are because they're wonderful people... and all of our failures are because we're horrible people who won’t listen to them!

What they almost never do is...

• accept that their partners have flaws and faults, gifts and talents.
• show their partners respect, compassion, and love.
• treat their partners like actual human beings.

You deserve better treatment than
what your toxic partner gave you.

It's not just physical !

Am not getting abused! My partner has never hit me before! 

Many people don't realize that abuse isn't just physical. 

Remember that time that they told you, constantly over and over, that you were worthless and that no body cared about you? 

Or what about that time that they humiliated you in front of your friends and family ? 

What about those endless screaming matches that happen almost every night in the place that you call "Home" ? 

ABUSE isn't just physical, It's also emotional, verbal, sexual and neglect.  

Forgive and/or Forget? Totally up to you!

Someone who treats you like crap doesn't get a vote on this one. They don't have a right to your forgiveness; they don't get to erase their actions.

I mean, sure, you can forgive and forget-- if it helps you let go of anger and pain and grief, if it gives you peace of mind, if it's what you need to heal.

Or you can forgive, but not forget-- if the memories help you remember why you can't trust them, but forgiving them helps get them out of your brain.

Or you can forget, but not forgive-- you can shut out the things that hurt you so you can move on with your life, but refuse to give your abusers a free pass.

OR

You can neither forgive nor forget. You can say "No. You did these things to me, and you're not sorry, and you're not changing, and I don't want you anymore."

None of those options are either right or wrong. Everyone's needs are different, and in the end, you can do what you need to do to recover.

You have the right to take care of yourself.

KITTIES!

Big cats aren't the only rescued felines at Big Cat Rescue. Watch these little kittens live and learn more on Explore.org @ https://goo.gl/C7PeKw.

Abusive / toxic behavior

Toxic / Abusive people may...

• treat us like extensions of themselves. If we're not perfect, if we make mistakes, if we don't do exactly what they tell us to do when they tell us to do it, they may start treating us like failures, or disappointments. (And they're the ones who define right and wrong, so often we're in a perpetual no-win loop.)
• treat us like objects-- toys that are wonderful, exciting, and adorable! Until they actually have to, you know, take care of us, or give up something for us, or if people pay more attention to us than to them, or-- gasp!-- we want to think for ourselves, or disagree with them. (How dare we?!)
• treat us like confidants and counselors and shoulders to cry on (and beat on-- verbally or physically or both).
• treat us like scapegoats. We get blamed for everything, sometimes for things that happened before we met them-- all so the toxic can believe that they are truly without fault.
• treat us like they're proof of their amazingness. See what good people they are? Obviously all of our successes are because they're wonderful people... and all of our failures are because we're horrible people who won’t listen to them!

 What they almost never do is...

• show us respect, or compassion-- or at least basic courtesy!
• accept that we have flaws and faults, gifts and talents.
• treat us like actual human beings-- not targets.

You deserve better than what they can give you.

“If your compassion does not include yourself, it is incomplete.”
(Jack Kornfield, Buddha's Little Instruction Book)

It's good to be kind to others-- but it's okay to be kind to yourself, too.

Ready, Aim, RAGE - Who does your toxic target?

NB: This definitely isn't an academic work! I'm trying to describe a spectrum of general toxic behavior-- not every N / toxic does all of these things consistently. (And of course, the note about bigotry isn't limited to people with PDs.) 

Description: Red target symbol with a yellow arrow at its center.

Relaxing time

Need a mini-vacation? Take a 10-hour ride on a monorail through Wuppertal, Germany!

An apology isn't a cure. Or an eraser.

Description: Yellow pencil, with the point pointing left, and the eraser pointing right.

Toxic people almost never apologize. But if they do, they seem to think it makes up for everything they’ve done and said. And if we don’t immediately accept their apology, if we do anything that suggests they’re not perfection incarnate, then obviously we're the problem-- not them.


(Outsiders-- especially enablers-- often have that same perspective. “They said they were sorry, that means they are sorry, so you should forgive them!” Uh, no.)

• Apologies aren’t time travel devices that send a toxic person into the past, to stop themselves from hurting other people.
• Apologies aren’t evidence that you should trust them again… and give them another chance to harm you.
• Apologies aren’t magic spells that remove the pain, the fear, and the anger their actions caused.
• Apologies aren’t cures for the damage they’ve done.
• Apologies are words-- words that don’t mean a damn thing unless the toxic person has accepted full responsibility for their choices, and is actively working to change their perspective and their behavior.

And if they freak out when you expect them to stop hurting you, guess what?

It wasn’t a real apology.

Description: A small wooden cabin surrounded by pine trees. Snow covers the ground, and is falling all around.

(Snow is a lot more fun when you don't have to drive in it, walk through it, or scrape it off the ground... or a roof.)

You don't have to play a game you know you can't win.

So let's say a toxic person is trying to talk you into going on a cruise with them. But the cruise ship is already a wreck-- you can see actual holes in its sides! When you point this out to Toxic Person, they tell you you're overreacting. Nothing is wrong with the ship!

Then, they tell you that if something is wrong with it, well, you can always just make sure you get on the lifeboat! Or if that doesn't work, the life jackets will protect you! And really, you're just over-reacting and spoiling everyone else's fun-- when you should be grateful that they're willing to take you along with them on this amazing trip!

But you know it's a bad idea. You can see that it's going to have a very unhappy ending if you go along. But if you don't go, you'll never hear the end of it-- Toxic Person will complain and whine for centuries.

What are you going to do?!

Toxic people can be very, very good at setting up no-win situations. If we don't do what they want? We're horrible people. If we do what they want, and things go wrong? It's all our fault.

When a toxic person plays the no-win game with you, maybe try this: Ask yourself "What's going to cause me the least harm and stress?" And then, go with that option.

Description: Line drawing of a person holding an umbrella in the rain. Next to them is a happy-looking duckling, playing in the water.

Text: Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.

Abuse does NOT excuse abuse. EVER.

It's not unusual for children who have been abused to grow up to be incredibly kind, loving, awesome people. They may struggle with self-doubt and agonize over whether or not they're doing the right thing.

But if your partner or parent was abused, and they're now abusing you? What they went through is no justification for what they're doing to you. They have no right to use you as a physical or emotional punching bag, and you're not to blame for their past. You're responsible for your actions in the here-and-now, not for what someone else did to them.

You are responsible for you. Not them. 

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Hoover Maneuver: Some People Just Suck

So let's say you know this person named... uh... Shedhit. Yeah. That'll work.

Okay, so, one day, Shedhit smacks you with a bag full of Moon Pies, hard enough to knock you down. But afterwards, they apologize. They're so sorry! They didn't mean to hurt you! It was totally an accident! And then they give you a plate of cupcakes, accompanied by more apologies! Shedhit is being 💝 so kind! 💝

...but then you stop and think about it. 

Description: Pencil drawing of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet walking together, leaning against the wind.

Text: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.