Relaxing time

Need a mini-vacation? Take a 10-hour ride on a monorail through Wuppertal, Germany!

An apology isn't a cure. Or an eraser.

Description: Yellow pencil, with the point pointing left, and the eraser pointing right.

Toxic people almost never apologize. But if they do, they seem to think it makes up for everything they’ve done and said. And if we don’t immediately accept their apology, if we do anything that suggests they’re not perfection incarnate, then obviously we're the problem-- not them.


(Outsiders-- especially enablers-- often have that same perspective. “They said they were sorry, that means they are sorry, so you should forgive them!” Uh, no.)

• Apologies aren’t time travel devices that send a toxic person into the past, to stop themselves from hurting other people.
• Apologies aren’t evidence that you should trust them again… and give them another chance to harm you.
• Apologies aren’t magic spells that remove the pain, the fear, and the anger their actions caused.
• Apologies aren’t cures for the damage they’ve done.
• Apologies are words-- words that don’t mean a damn thing unless the toxic person has accepted full responsibility for their choices, and is actively working to change their perspective and their behavior.

And if they freak out when you expect them to stop hurting you, guess what?

It wasn’t a real apology.

Description: A small wooden cabin surrounded by pine trees. Snow covers the ground, and is falling all around.

(Snow is a lot more fun when you don't have to drive in it, walk through it, or scrape it off the ground... or a roof.)

You don't have to play a game you know you can't win.

So let's say a toxic person is trying to talk you into going on a cruise with them. But the cruise ship is already a wreck-- you can see actual holes in its sides! When you point this out to Toxic Person, they tell you you're overreacting. Nothing is wrong with the ship!

Then, they tell you that if something is wrong with it, well, you can always just make sure you get on the lifeboat! Or if that doesn't work, the life jackets will protect you! And really, you're just over-reacting and spoiling everyone else's fun-- when you should be grateful that they're willing to take you along with them on this amazing trip!

But you know it's a bad idea. You can see that it's going to have a very unhappy ending if you go along. But if you don't go, you'll never hear the end of it-- Toxic Person will complain and whine for centuries.

What are you going to do?!

Toxic people can be very, very good at setting up no-win situations. If we don't do what they want? We're horrible people. If we do what they want, and things go wrong? It's all our fault.

When a toxic person plays the no-win game with you, maybe try this: Ask yourself "What's going to cause me the least harm and stress?" And then, go with that option.

Description: Line drawing of a person holding an umbrella in the rain. Next to them is a happy-looking duckling, playing in the water.

Text: Every day may not be good, but there's something good in every day.

Abuse does NOT excuse abuse. EVER.

It's not unusual for children who have been abused to grow up to be incredibly kind, loving, awesome people. They may struggle with self-doubt and agonize over whether or not they're doing the right thing.

But if your partner or parent was abused, and they're now abusing you? What they went through is no justification for what they're doing to you. They have no right to use you as a physical or emotional punching bag, and you're not to blame for their past. You're responsible for your actions in the here-and-now, not for what someone else did to them.

You are responsible for you. Not them. 

I believe that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word.

Martin Luther King, Jr.

The Hoover Maneuver: Some People Just Suck

So let's say you know this person named... uh... Shedhit. Yeah. That'll work.

Okay, so, one day, Shedhit smacks you with a bag full of Moon Pies, hard enough to knock you down. But afterwards, they apologize. They're so sorry! They didn't mean to hurt you! It was totally an accident! And then they give you a plate of cupcakes, accompanied by more apologies! Shedhit is being 💝 so kind! 💝

...but then you stop and think about it. 

Description: Pencil drawing of Winnie the Pooh and Piglet walking together, leaning against the wind.

Text: You're braver than you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.