How do I know it's abuse?

I mean, maybe I'm overreacting. 

Maybe I'm too sensitive. Or not patient enough. Or I just don't understand them? 

If I tried harder, maybe it'll fix things? 

Or maybe we could go to counseling, or... maybe I should go? Because....

...what if I'm the one who's the problem?


If you find yourself thinking things like that, ask yourself: If a friend, or a co-worker, or your partner, or a family member, or your kid-- if someone you cared about was in your position, and asked for your advice, what would you say to them?

Part of recovering from abuse is 

learning to show yourself the respect and compassion that you'd show to someone else in your situation.

Toxic behavior

Toxic people may...

• treat their partners like extensions of themselves. If we're not perfect, if we make mistakes, if we don't do exactly what they tell us to do when they tell us to do it, they may start treating us like failures, or disappointments. (And they're the ones who define right and wrong, so often we're in a perpetual no-win loop.)
• treat their partners like objects-- toys that are wonderful, exciting, and adorable! Until they actually have to, you know, take care of us, or give up something for us, or if people pay more attention to us than to the toxic, or-- gasp!-- if we want to think for ourselves, or if we disagree with them. (How dare we?!)
• treat their partners like confidants and counselors and shoulders to cry on (and beat on-- verbally or physically or both).
• treat their partners like scapegoats. We get blamed for everything, sometimes for things that happened before we met them-- all so the toxic can believe that they are truly without fault.
• treat their partners like they're proof of their amazingness. See what good people they are? Obviously all of our successes are because they're wonderful people... and all of our failures are because we're horrible people who won’t listen to them!

What they almost never do is...

• accept that their partners have flaws and faults, gifts and talents.
• show their partners respect, compassion, and love.
• treat their partners like actual human beings.

You deserve better treatment than
what your toxic partner gave you.

Abuse does NOT excuse abuse. EVER.

It's not unusual for children who have been abused to grow up to be incredibly kind, loving, awesome people. They may struggle with self-doubt and agonize over whether or not they're doing the right thing.

But if your partner or parent was abused, and they're now abusing you? What they went through is no justification for what they're doing to you. They have no right to use you as a physical or emotional punching bag, and you're not to blame for their past. You're responsible for your actions in the here-and-now, not for what someone else did to them.

You are responsible for you. Not them. 

It Wasn't That Bad. Was it?

One of the hardest parts of recovery is-- okay, hang on. Let's start over.

Abuse is something that happens to other people, right? 

I mean, your partner didn't mean to scream at you, they're just really stressed out right now. They didn't mean it when they hit you that one time. Or that second time. They didn't mean to call you names. They didn't mean to kick you out of the house.

Your parents totally tried to be good parents, but they had rough childhoods. They didn't mean to hurt you when they told you you were useless and worthless.

So, yeah, not abusive at all. Right? RIGHT??!!

WRONG

I know it has been tough, but I'm still cheering for you. (Always.)

I know it has been tough, but I'm still cheering for you.

(Always.)

Self-validation: swap places

So self-doubt is a PITA to deal with. It's bad enough that you're dealing with all the crap that comes along with recovering from abuse, but when you start to question yourself, too? Yeah. No fun.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive? 

Maybe I'm over-reacting-- maybe it wasn't that bad?

Maybe if I just tried harder to understand them?

Maybe it isn't their fault? I mean, they were abused as a kid.

Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm the abuser.

If that starts going around in your head, ask yourself this: if someone else-- a friend, a family member, a co-worker, whatever-- was in your situation, and asked for your opinion, what would you say?

Would you tell them they were the one to blame? That they were abusive? That they should go apologize, and quit being dramatic?

Or would you tell them that they hadn't done anything wrong? That their partner had no right to scream at them. That their family member shouldn't have thrown the coffee cup at them. That it was okay for them to be angry-- that you'd be angry, too-- that you're angry for them!

Part of recovery from abuse, is learning to show yourself the same compassion you would show to someone else. It isn't always easy, but it's still very important.

You're only human. You don't have to have it together every minute of the day. - Anne Hathaway