An apology isn't a cure. Or an eraser.

Description: Yellow pencil, with the point pointing left, and the eraser pointing right.

Toxic people almost never apologize. But if they do, they seem to think it makes up for everything they’ve done and said. And if we don’t immediately accept their apology, if we do anything that suggests they’re not perfection incarnate, then obviously we're the problem-- not them.


(Outsiders-- especially enablers-- often have that same perspective. “They said they were sorry, that means they are sorry, so you should forgive them!” Uh, no.)

• Apologies aren’t time travel devices that send a toxic person into the past, to stop themselves from hurting other people.
• Apologies aren’t evidence that you should trust them again… and give them another chance to harm you.
• Apologies aren’t magic spells that remove the pain, the fear, and the anger their actions caused.
• Apologies aren’t cures for the damage they’ve done.
• Apologies are words-- words that don’t mean a damn thing unless the toxic person has accepted full responsibility for their choices, and is actively working to change their perspective and their behavior.

And if they freak out when you expect them to stop hurting you, guess what?

It wasn’t a real apology.

The Three Rs

The Three Rs: Regret, Responsibility, Remedy.

An apology consists of, well, the apology (regret).

• I'm sorry I said X. I was stressed out because reasons.

A good apology consists of an apology and accepting responsibility.

• I'm sorry I said X. I was stressed out because reasons, but that wasn't your fault.

The best apology consists of an apology, accepting responsibility, and working to fix the problem / finding a way to not do the same thing twice (remedy).

• I'm sorry I said X. I was really stressed out, but next time, I'll just tell you I'm stressed out, and go calm myself down.

Here are some not-apologies. Do any of them sound familiar?:

• If that hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.
• I'm sorry you're so upset.
• I'm sorry I made a mistake. I'm not perfect, you know, I'm only human!
• Well, Other Person said I hurt your feelings and I should apologize, so I guess I'm sorry.