Magnetism vs Normalization

Sometimes, it feels like we go from one abusive relationship to another-- sometimes not as bad as the one before it, sometimes worse.

And if it happens again and again, maybe you start to wonder if you're sending out signals to toxic people. "Hey, you! Yeah, you, you big A-hole! Are you looking for someone to lie to or bully or scapegoat or scream at or beat up? Because I'm totally available!"

Forgive and/or Forget? Totally up to you!

Someone who treats you like crap doesn't get a vote on this one. They don't have a right to your forgiveness; they don't get to erase their actions.

I mean, sure, you can forgive and forget-- if it helps you let go of anger and pain and grief, if it gives you peace of mind, if it's what you need to heal.

Or you can forgive, but not forget-- if the memories help you remember why you can't trust them, but forgiving them helps get them out of your brain.

Or you can forget, but not forgive-- you can shut out the things that hurt you so you can move on with your life, but refuse to give your abusers a free pass.

OR

You can neither forgive nor forget. You can say "No. You did these things to me, and you're not sorry, and you're not changing, and I don't want you anymore."

None of those options are either right or wrong. Everyone's needs are different, and in the end, you can do what you need to do to recover.

You have the right to take care of yourself.

You don't have to play a game you know you can't win.

So let's say a toxic person is trying to talk you into going on a cruise with them. But the cruise ship is already a wreck-- you can see actual holes in its sides! When you point this out to Toxic Person, they tell you you're overreacting. Nothing is wrong with the ship!

Then, they tell you that if something is wrong with it, well, you can always just make sure you get on the lifeboat! Or if that doesn't work, the life jackets will protect you! And really, you're just over-reacting and spoiling everyone else's fun-- when you should be grateful that they're willing to take you along with them on this amazing trip!

But you know it's a bad idea. You can see that it's going to have a very unhappy ending if you go along. But if you don't go, you'll never hear the end of it-- Toxic Person will complain and whine for centuries.

What are you going to do?!

Toxic people can be very, very good at setting up no-win situations. If we don't do what they want? We're horrible people. If we do what they want, and things go wrong? It's all our fault.

When a toxic person plays the no-win game with you, maybe try this: Ask yourself "What's going to cause me the least harm and stress?" And then, go with that option.

The Hoover Maneuver: Some People Just Suck

So let's say you know this person named... uh... Shedhit. Yeah. That'll work.

Okay, so, one day, Shedhit smacks you with a bag full of Moon Pies, hard enough to knock you down. But afterwards, they apologize. They're so sorry! They didn't mean to hurt you! It was totally an accident! And then they give you a plate of cupcakes, accompanied by more apologies! Shedhit is being 💝 so kind! 💝

...but then you stop and think about it. 

REMINDER: You don't owe people an explanation.

• What do you mean, you won't visit your parent?!
• I know you broke up with your abuser, but it's almost Christmas. You should really give them one more chance.
• You don't spend time with your family during the holidays?! Why not?!?!

...and on and on and on (and on and on and on). Flying Monkeys ask things like that, but so do well-intentioned people. Sometimes, people who don't know you well will ask out of politeness or to make small talk.

It can be hard to remember that you don't actually have to give them specific answers. You can choose to; but you can also choose not to. The trick is, deciding what not-answer you want to give. 

TL;DR: When in doubt, try keeping your reactions short, calm, and polite. And you don't owe other people explanations about your personal life... even if they think you do!

Self-validation: swap places

So self-doubt is a PITA to deal with. It's bad enough that you're dealing with all the crap that comes along with recovering from abuse, but when you start to question yourself, too? Yeah. No fun.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive? 

Maybe I'm over-reacting-- maybe it wasn't that bad?

Maybe if I just tried harder to understand them?

Maybe it isn't their fault? I mean, they were abused as a kid.

Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm the abuser.

If that starts going around in your head, ask yourself this: if someone else-- a friend, a family member, a co-worker, whatever-- was in your situation, and asked for your opinion, what would you say?

Would you tell them they were the one to blame? That they were abusive? That they should go apologize, and quit being dramatic?

Or would you tell them that they hadn't done anything wrong? That their partner had no right to scream at them. That their family member shouldn't have thrown the coffee cup at them. That it was okay for them to be angry-- that you'd be angry, too-- that you're angry for them!

Part of recovery from abuse, is learning to show yourself the same compassion you would show to someone else. It isn't always easy, but it's still very important.

JADE - how it does and doesn’t work.

JADE means Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain, and when you're dealing with abusers / toxics / narcissists, it's generally not very helpful.

The JADE approach can work— if everyone involved in the disagreement is willing to listen to one another, and work together to fix the problem.

Wall of text ahead-- you might want to get a snack. 😁

Boundaries

Toxic people generally want to control everyone around them. They also often think that they're right, and all the rest of us are wrong. So when we try to manage our own choices, lives, and even our own feelings… they don’t handle it well.

And when we try to set boundaries, sometimes they’ll freak out, accusing us of trying to control them. And those of us who worry about being toxic ourselves sometimes avoid setting boundaries because of that.

But when we set boundaries, we’re not trying to make the other person change their behavior. We're changing our behavior, so that we can be emotionally and mentally healthy. They can do whatever they want-- but so can we.

So say you call your toxic, to try and have a semi-normal conversation….