How do I know it's abuse?

I mean, maybe I'm overreacting. 

Maybe I'm too sensitive. Or not patient enough. Or I just don't understand them? 

If I tried harder, maybe it'll fix things? 

Or maybe we could go to counseling, or... maybe I should go? Because....

...what if I'm the one who's the problem?


If you find yourself thinking things like that, ask yourself: If a friend, or a co-worker, or your partner, or a family member, or your kid-- if someone you cared about was in your position, and asked for your advice, what would you say to them?

Part of recovering from abuse is 

learning to show yourself the respect and compassion that you'd show to someone else in your situation.

Magnetism vs Normalization

Sometimes, it feels like we go from one abusive relationship to another-- sometimes not as bad as the one before it, sometimes worse.

And if it happens again and again, maybe you start to wonder if you're sending out signals to toxic people. "Hey, you! Yeah, you, you big A-hole! Are you looking for someone to lie to or bully or scapegoat or scream at or beat up? Because I'm totally available!"

Toxic behavior

Toxic people may...

• treat their partners like extensions of themselves. If we're not perfect, if we make mistakes, if we don't do exactly what they tell us to do when they tell us to do it, they may start treating us like failures, or disappointments. (And they're the ones who define right and wrong, so often we're in a perpetual no-win loop.)
• treat their partners like objects-- toys that are wonderful, exciting, and adorable! Until they actually have to, you know, take care of us, or give up something for us, or if people pay more attention to us than to the toxic, or-- gasp!-- if we want to think for ourselves, or if we disagree with them. (How dare we?!)
• treat their partners like confidants and counselors and shoulders to cry on (and beat on-- verbally or physically or both).
• treat their partners like scapegoats. We get blamed for everything, sometimes for things that happened before we met them-- all so the toxic can believe that they are truly without fault.
• treat their partners like they're proof of their amazingness. See what good people they are? Obviously all of our successes are because they're wonderful people... and all of our failures are because we're horrible people who won’t listen to them!

What they almost never do is...

• accept that their partners have flaws and faults, gifts and talents.
• show their partners respect, compassion, and love.
• treat their partners like actual human beings.

You deserve better treatment than
what your toxic partner gave you.

It's not just physical !

Am not getting abused! My partner has never hit me before! 

Many people don't realize that abuse isn't just physical. 

Remember that time that they told you, constantly over and over, that you were worthless and that no body cared about you? 

Or what about that time that they humiliated you in front of your friends and family ? 

What about those endless screaming matches that happen almost every night in the place that you call "Home" ? 

ABUSE isn't just physical, It's also emotional, verbal, sexual and neglect.  

Abusive / toxic behavior

Toxic / Abusive people may...

• treat us like extensions of themselves. If we're not perfect, if we make mistakes, if we don't do exactly what they tell us to do when they tell us to do it, they may start treating us like failures, or disappointments. (And they're the ones who define right and wrong, so often we're in a perpetual no-win loop.)
• treat us like objects-- toys that are wonderful, exciting, and adorable! Until they actually have to, you know, take care of us, or give up something for us, or if people pay more attention to us than to them, or-- gasp!-- we want to think for ourselves, or disagree with them. (How dare we?!)
• treat us like confidants and counselors and shoulders to cry on (and beat on-- verbally or physically or both).
• treat us like scapegoats. We get blamed for everything, sometimes for things that happened before we met them-- all so the toxic can believe that they are truly without fault.
• treat us like they're proof of their amazingness. See what good people they are? Obviously all of our successes are because they're wonderful people... and all of our failures are because we're horrible people who won’t listen to them!

 What they almost never do is...

• show us respect, or compassion-- or at least basic courtesy!
• accept that we have flaws and faults, gifts and talents.
• treat us like actual human beings-- not targets.

You deserve better than what they can give you.

Ready, Aim, RAGE - Who does your toxic target?

NB: This definitely isn't an academic work! I'm trying to describe a spectrum of general toxic behavior-- not every N / toxic does all of these things consistently. (And of course, the note about bigotry isn't limited to people with PDs.) 

Description: Red target symbol with a yellow arrow at its center.

It Wasn't That Bad. Was it?

One of the hardest parts of recovery is-- okay, hang on. Let's start over.

Abuse is something that happens to other people, right? 

I mean, your partner didn't mean to scream at you, they're just really stressed out right now. They didn't mean it when they hit you that one time. Or that second time. They didn't mean to call you names. They didn't mean to kick you out of the house.

Your parents totally tried to be good parents, but they had rough childhoods. They didn't mean to hurt you when they told you you were useless and worthless.

So, yeah, not abusive at all. Right? RIGHT??!!

WRONG