Survival's Got Talent!

Survival's Got Talent!

Calling All Performers and Future Stars!
Survival's Got Talent will take place Saturday, January 4, 2020 from 6:00 pm - 10:00 pm!
The Survival's Got Talent runner up will be the Opening Act for Survival’s Second Chance Prom with the winner being awarded exclusive performer status for Survival's premiere 2020 event Second Chance Prom!
Survival's Second Chance Prom is February 27, 2020!

Happiness Village Baby Panda Garden

We hope the holiday week went well for you.
Take care of yourself, okay?
Okay.

Description: Dark background. Dove in foreground, carrying an olive branch.

Description: Dog wearing reindeer antlers and a red nose, running through snow.
Text: "Dachshund through the snow"

Let's get help for ourselves-- and help out others, too.

Description: Two people reaching out to one another, against the background of a sky with a sun.

Description

Top picture: A husky dog nuzzling a toy. Text: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Middle picture: The dog looking to the right, mouth open like it's smiling. Text: Tinselitis!

Bottom picture: The dog looking at the camera, mouth open. It looks like it's laughing.

Description: Two Christmas light bulbs, one green and one red, talking to each other.

Green bulb: Working over the holidays?

Red bulb: Off and on...

(Background: cartoon of a smiling elf)

Q: What do you call a Christmas
parody song that isn't funny?

A: The First No-LOL!

(painfulpuns.com)

REMINDER: You don't owe people an explanation.

• What do you mean, you won't visit your parent?!
• I know you broke up with your abuser, but it's almost Christmas. You should really give them one more chance.
• You don't spend time with your family during the holidays?! Why not?!?!

...and on and on and on (and on and on and on). Flying Monkeys ask things like that, but so do well-intentioned people. Sometimes, people who don't know you well will ask out of politeness or to make small talk.

It can be hard to remember that you don't actually have to give them specific answers. You can choose to; but you can also choose not to. The trick is, deciding what not-answer you want to give. 

TL;DR: When in doubt, try keeping your reactions short, calm, and polite. And you don't owe other people explanations about your personal life... even if they think you do!

The Elephant of Encouragement is on your side!

Description: A hand-drawn picture of an elephant standing on a grassy hill, with trees on either side. The text above the elephant reads, "The Elephant of Encouragement". The elephant's speech bubble says "You can do it!"

It Wasn't That Bad. Was it?

One of the hardest parts of recovery is-- okay, hang on. Let's start over.

Abuse is something that happens to other people, right? 

I mean, your partner didn't mean to scream at you, they're just really stressed out right now. They didn't mean it when they hit you that one time. Or that second time. They didn't mean to call you names. They didn't mean to kick you out of the house.

Your parents totally tried to be good parents, but they had rough childhoods. They didn't mean to hurt you when they told you you were useless and worthless.

So, yeah, not abusive at all. Right? RIGHT??!!

WRONG

I know it has been tough, but I'm still cheering for you. (Always.)

I know it has been tough, but I'm still cheering for you.

(Always.)

Self-validation: swap places

So self-doubt is a PITA to deal with. It's bad enough that you're dealing with all the crap that comes along with recovering from abuse, but when you start to question yourself, too? Yeah. No fun.

Maybe I'm just too sensitive? 

Maybe I'm over-reacting-- maybe it wasn't that bad?

Maybe if I just tried harder to understand them?

Maybe it isn't their fault? I mean, they were abused as a kid.

Maybe I'm the problem. Maybe I'm the abuser.

If that starts going around in your head, ask yourself this: if someone else-- a friend, a family member, a co-worker, whatever-- was in your situation, and asked for your opinion, what would you say?

Would you tell them they were the one to blame? That they were abusive? That they should go apologize, and quit being dramatic?

Or would you tell them that they hadn't done anything wrong? That their partner had no right to scream at them. That their family member shouldn't have thrown the coffee cup at them. That it was okay for them to be angry-- that you'd be angry, too-- that you're angry for them!

Part of recovery from abuse, is learning to show yourself the same compassion you would show to someone else. It isn't always easy, but it's still very important.

No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers.

Description: A lined piece of paper with bits of eraser scattered over it. A pencil is at the bottom of the image. The text reads, "No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers."

Enablers can be abusive, too.

So let's say you're walking down the street, and you see someone dragging loads of wood up to a house, and they're yelling "I'M GONNA BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN!" And you stop and stare, because nobody would really do something like that, right? And the person soaks the wood with kerosene and gasoline, yelling, "I'M GONNA BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN!" And you're still watching, because you there's no way it's actually going to happen, it's some dumb YouTube stunt.

...and then the person yanks out a flamethrower, and sets the house on fire.

The Three Rs

The Three Rs: Regret, Responsibility, Remedy.

An apology consists of, well, the apology (regret).

• I'm sorry I said X. I was stressed out because reasons.

A good apology consists of an apology and accepting responsibility.

• I'm sorry I said X. I was stressed out because reasons, but that wasn't your fault.

The best apology consists of an apology, accepting responsibility, and working to fix the problem / finding a way to not do the same thing twice (remedy).

• I'm sorry I said X. I was really stressed out, but next time, I'll just tell you I'm stressed out, and go calm myself down.

Here are some not-apologies. Do any of them sound familiar?:

• If that hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.
• I'm sorry you're so upset.
• I'm sorry I made a mistake. I'm not perfect, you know, I'm only human!
• Well, Other Person said I hurt your feelings and I should apologize, so I guess I'm sorry.

You're only human. You don't have to have it together every minute of the day. - Anne Hathaway

JADE - how it does and doesn’t work.

JADE means Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain, and when you're dealing with abusers / toxics / narcissists, it's generally not very helpful.

The JADE approach can work— if everyone involved in the disagreement is willing to listen to one another, and work together to fix the problem.

Wall of text ahead-- you might want to get a snack. 😁

Resource: The Hotline (USA)

National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

"Every contact to The Hotline is unique. Some callers identify as survivors of abuse, some as abusive partners and some as concerned family members and friends seeking help for someone else. While every contact is specific to the individual, here are some phrases and questions that advocates use consistently to best help each caller or chatter.

"You might feel anxious about contacting The Hotline, especially if you haven’t reached out for help before. We are completely confidential and anonymous, and our advocates have extensive training in issues related to domestic violence. Reaching out for help is the first step toward improving your situation, whatever that may be, and we are glad to be of service when someone takes this important step."

Just what it says-- it's a 24-7-365 hotline for people who're trying to figure out WTF to do next. If you give it a try, and you feel like it isn't helpful, that's okay. Not everything works for everyone. You can always ask them for referrals to groups or agencies in your area-- or you can just hang up. And then, if you want to, you can call back-- or not. 

Your life, your situation-- you get to choose what to do next.

Boundaries

Toxic people generally want to control everyone around them. They also often think that they're right, and all the rest of us are wrong. So when we try to manage our own choices, lives, and even our own feelings… they don’t handle it well.

And when we try to set boundaries, sometimes they’ll freak out, accusing us of trying to control them. And those of us who worry about being toxic ourselves sometimes avoid setting boundaries because of that.

But when we set boundaries, we’re not trying to make the other person change their behavior. We're changing our behavior, so that we can be emotionally and mentally healthy. They can do whatever they want-- but so can we.

So say you call your toxic, to try and have a semi-normal conversation….