It Wasn't That Bad. Was it?

One of the hardest parts of recovery is-- okay, hang on. Let's start over.

Abuse is something that happens to other people, right? 

I mean, your partner didn't mean to scream at you, they're just really stressed out right now. They didn't mean it when they hit you that one time. Or that second time. They didn't mean to call you names. They didn't mean to kick you out of the house.

Your parents totally tried to be good parents, but they had rough childhoods. They didn't mean to hurt you when they told you you were useless and worthless.

So, yeah, not abusive at all. Right? RIGHT??!!

WRONG

Okay, so your partner just said you were a horrible person and you deserved to be alone forever and ever. Your parent used to say you were useless and would never amount to anything. But they didn't really mean it, right? They were just... having a bad day. Or something. Right?

...yeah. No.

Maybe try this: if a friend was in your position, what would you think? Would you tell them that their partner was under a lot of stress, and they shouldn't be upset? Would you say their parent was just raising them the way their grandparents raised them?

Would you tell them they were being too sensitive? Too dramatic? Or that they were just making stuff up? 

Or would you say "They what?? That's horrible! No, no-- that was wrong. Yeah, I know they were having a crappy day, but that doesn't make it all right. I'm so sorry they said that."

One of the hardest parts of recovery is
learning to show yourself the same compassion
you would show to someone else.