REMINDER: You don't owe people an explanation.

• What do you mean, you won't visit your parent?!
• I know you broke up with your abuser, but it's almost Christmas. You should really give them one more chance.
• You don't spend time with your family during the holidays?! Why not?!?!

...and on and on and on (and on and on and on). Flying Monkeys ask things like that, but so do well-intentioned people. Sometimes, people who don't know you well will ask out of politeness or to make small talk.

It can be hard to remember that you don't actually have to give them specific answers. You can choose to; but you can also choose not to. The trick is, deciding what not-answer you want to give. 

TL;DR: When in doubt, try keeping your reactions short, calm, and polite. And you don't owe other people explanations about your personal life... even if they think you do!


So-- you can give a non-committal answer and change the subject (repeatedly, if necessary). This works best when the other person is making small talk. It can also work if the other person doesn't know what to say. The other person might pick up on the not-very-subtle suggestion that we don't want to talk about it!

THEM: What do you mean, you won't visit your parent?!

• YOU: Oh, I just don't. Can you believe this weather? Is it going to be a white Christmas, or should I get out my summer clothes again? or
• YOU: It's not something I really talk about. So, how many times have you heard "Jingle Bell Rock" today?

THEM: You don't go to see your family during the holidays?! Why not?

• YOU: It isn't an option. Hey, have you seen Die Hard yet this year? Best Christmas movie ever! or
• YOU: It's not happening this year. So, what about you guys? What are your plans?

THEM: I know you broke up with your abuser, but it's almost Christmas. Maybe give them one more chance?

• YOU: Mmm... no. But hey, you can go talk to them if you want! or
• YOU: No. or
• YOU: HELL NO.

So, yeah, you can be a little more blunt-- "I'm not going to see them because I don't want to see them" or "NOPE NOPE NOPE" or something like that. If you're talking to a Flying Monkey, this may result in a drawn-out debate. But you can try to shut them down, or let an awkward silence fall (NB: I'm a big fan of awkward silences.):

THEM: WHY DON'T YOU TALK TO THEM OR VISIT THEM???? :( :( :(|

• YOU: I'm not going to see them because I don't want to see them. or
• YOU: It's a painful subject, and I'm not up for talking about it.

And maybe you'll feel like you should explain your position-- but that can drag you into a JADE cycle. You might get caught in a long, exhausting, painful discussion about our choices. Or you might get to listen to them invalidate your decisions, feelings, etc.

Still, you could could try reflecting what they're saying (showing that you're listening to them), but not give them anything more to use against you.

YOU: I'm not going to see them at all. Their behavior has been awful and I don't think they've changed.
THEM: But it's Christmas!
YOU: Yes, it is.
THEM: But they're your only parents! or You were married / together for so long!
YOU: Yes, I know.
THEM: They did the best they could!
YOU: That's a depressing thought.
THEM: But if you don't talk to them, how can they apologize?!
YOU: It's too late for apologies.

And so on. It can get really really awkward and unpleasant, but it may actually work, if you can outlast your interrogator. But keep in mind that you don't have to! You can cut them off as soon as they start with the nonsense.

THEM: (GUILT TRIP GUILT TRIP GUILT TRIP)
YOU: (Silence. Let them try and figure out what to say next!)
THEM: (MORE GUILTING)
YOU: (no response)
THEM: (silence)
YOU: (silence)

You have the right to choose what you do and don't disclose. Your life-- your choice.

You don't need to try and explain your choices to someone who won't respect your right to manage your own life.