No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers.

Description: A lined piece of paper with bits of eraser scattered over it. A pencil is at the bottom of the image. The text reads, "No one is perfect, that's why pencils have erasers."

Enablers can be abusive, too.

So let's say you're walking down the street, and you see someone dragging loads of wood up to a house, and they're yelling "I'M GONNA BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN!" And you stop and stare, because nobody would really do something like that, right? And the person soaks the wood with kerosene and gasoline, yelling, "I'M GONNA BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN!" And you're still watching, because you there's no way it's actually going to happen, it's some dumb YouTube stunt.

...and then the person yanks out a flamethrower, and sets the house on fire.

The Three Rs

The Three Rs: Regret, Responsibility, Remedy.

An apology consists of, well, the apology (regret).

• I'm sorry I said X. I was stressed out because reasons.

A good apology consists of an apology and accepting responsibility.

• I'm sorry I said X. I was stressed out because reasons, but that wasn't your fault.

The best apology consists of an apology, accepting responsibility, and working to fix the problem / finding a way to not do the same thing twice (remedy).

• I'm sorry I said X. I was really stressed out, but next time, I'll just tell you I'm stressed out, and go calm myself down.

Here are some not-apologies. Do any of them sound familiar?:

• If that hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.
• I'm sorry you're so upset.
• I'm sorry I made a mistake. I'm not perfect, you know, I'm only human!
• Well, Other Person said I hurt your feelings and I should apologize, so I guess I'm sorry.

You're only human. You don't have to have it together every minute of the day. - Anne Hathaway

JADE - how it does and doesn’t work.

JADE means Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain, and when you're dealing with abusers / toxics / narcissists, it's generally not very helpful.

The JADE approach can work— if everyone involved in the disagreement is willing to listen to one another, and work together to fix the problem.

Wall of text ahead-- you might want to get a snack. 😁

Resource: The Hotline (USA)

National Domestic Violence Hotline (USA)

1-800-799-7233

1-800-787-3224 (TTY)

"Every contact to The Hotline is unique. Some callers identify as survivors of abuse, some as abusive partners and some as concerned family members and friends seeking help for someone else. While every contact is specific to the individual, here are some phrases and questions that advocates use consistently to best help each caller or chatter.

"You might feel anxious about contacting The Hotline, especially if you haven’t reached out for help before. We are completely confidential and anonymous, and our advocates have extensive training in issues related to domestic violence. Reaching out for help is the first step toward improving your situation, whatever that may be, and we are glad to be of service when someone takes this important step."

Just what it says-- it's a 24-7-365 hotline for people who're trying to figure out WTF to do next. If you give it a try, and you feel like it isn't helpful, that's okay. Not everything works for everyone. You can always ask them for referrals to groups or agencies in your area-- or you can just hang up. And then, if you want to, you can call back-- or not. 

Your life, your situation-- you get to choose what to do next.

Boundaries

Toxic people generally want to control everyone around them. They also often think that they're right, and all the rest of us are wrong. So when we try to manage our own choices, lives, and even our own feelings… they don’t handle it well.

And when we try to set boundaries, sometimes they’ll freak out, accusing us of trying to control them. And those of us who worry about being toxic ourselves sometimes avoid setting boundaries because of that.

But when we set boundaries, we’re not trying to make the other person change their behavior. We're changing our behavior, so that we can be emotionally and mentally healthy. They can do whatever they want-- but so can we.

So say you call your toxic, to try and have a semi-normal conversation….