Enablers can be abusive, too.

So let's say you're walking down the street, and you see someone dragging loads of wood up to a house, and they're yelling "I'M GONNA BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN!" And you stop and stare, because nobody would really do something like that, right? And the person soaks the wood with kerosene and gasoline, yelling, "I'M GONNA BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN!" And you're still watching, because you there's no way it's actually going to happen, it's some dumb YouTube stunt.

...and then the person yanks out a flamethrower, and sets the house on fire.


Then you're walking down a different street a few days later, and there's the same person, with wood and gasoline and a flamethrower, shouting "I'M GONNA BURN THIS HOUSE DOWN!"

The first time around, you didn't believe it was going to happen. But now, you know this person is capable of burning a house down, so instead of just watching, you call for help!

Enablers let the house burn down over and over again.

Sometimes they help carry the flamethrower, or supply the fuel or the wood, or tell themselves that it isn't that big a fire, or the house won't burn all the way down, and anyway, it wouldn't have been set on fire if it had an extra bathroom or a bigger yard. Other times they just stand and watch it burn.

Of course the partner of a toxic can also be abused, and may not be able to help themselves or anyone else. They may be afraid of the consequences-- both for you, and themselves-- if they try to help. The toxic person may have gaslighted them into believing there is no way out, or even that the enabler is the one to blame for everything.

On the other hand, someone can be an abuse victim and a victimizer. If an enabler is escalating the situation, or blaming you for the toxic's behavior, or denying that the toxic person is doing anything wrong, or standing by and letting you get yelled at or threatened or hit, so they don't have to deal with the toxic? That's abuse.

The enabler is not to blame for the abuser's
actions-- but they are responsible for their own.