JADE - how it does and doesn’t work.

JADE means Justify, Argue, Defend, Explain, and when you're dealing with abusers / toxics / narcissists, it's generally not very helpful.

The JADE approach can work— if everyone involved in the disagreement is willing to listen to one another, and work together to fix the problem.

Wall of text ahead-- you might want to get a snack. 😁

So let's say my workplace has a rule that says "No ostriches in the shelter after 11pm". But we're allowed to use our personal judgment to make exceptions to some of our rules, and that’s one of them. So on Monday night, I let a client bring an ostrich in at 1am. One of my co-workers thinks that was a bad decision on my part, and calls me out on it.

Now, if my co-worker & I have a good working relationship, we would talk it out like grown-ups.

• I could justify my decision, showing why my decision was a reasonable one.
• I could argue, focusing on proving that I'm right.
• I could defend my position, resisting my co-worker's arguments.
• I could explain my choice, giving her the details of why I made my call.

In a healthy workplace relationship, any of those might work-- my co-worker might not agree with me, but if I do any of those things, she might also understand my reasoning. (For the record, I prefer the Explain option, since I have a set of criteria I use before I make exceptions to our policies.)

CO-WORKER: Why did you let Client bring an ostrich in the house at 1am?? You know the guidelines!

ME: Well, Client was really stressed out, and having the ostrich in the room for a little while helps her relax.

CO-WORKER: Okay, but everyone in the house is stressed out, not just her. Why did she get the exception?

ME: Because she had court today-- she didn't get the order of protection.

CO-WORKER: ...oh, s***. I didn't know that. Okay, I get it. Telling Client “yes” kinda upset Other Client, since you told Other Client “no”, but I bet Other Client didn't know what was going on.

ME: Probably not. It's a crappy situation, really.

CO-WORKER: I still don't think that was a great idea, but I see why you did it. Have a good weekend!

ME: You, too!

Or maybe I'd realize that she was right, and in this particular situation, I shouldn't've let the ostrich in the house.

CO-WORKER: ...oh, no. But look, when you told Other Client “no”, that made her feel like she was less important—like her needs didn’t count. And I know you couldn’t tell Other Client about Client’s business, so she didn’t know what was up, but maybe keep that in mind next time, okay?

ME: Oh... I didn't think about that. You’re right. I’ll see if Supervisor can maybe bring it up at the next house meeting? That we make exceptions in specific situations? Anyway, I’ll talk to her about it.

CO-WORKER: Good call. I gotta go—take it easy!

ME: You, too!

So even if Co-Worker still disagrees with what I did, the focus is on both of us listening to each other and respecting one another's opinions.

But let's say that I have to have that discussion with a toxic, and-- okay, you already see where this is going, I bet. :) When I'm talking to a toxic, no matter what I say, they're not going to “hear” me-- everything I say is going to be met with resistance if it doesn’t match up to what they’ve already decided was right.

So talking to a toxic would probably go like this:

• If I try to justify my decision, the toxic would probably insist that I was wrong, because I didn’t do things their way.
• If I try to argue with them, the toxic would probably take this as a personal attack against them, and escalate the situation.
• If I try to defend my position, the toxic would also not be happy about this, since I would be refusing their control over me.
• And trying to explain my choice could be the worst choice on my part, since the more information we give a toxic, the more ammunition they can use against us.

With my co-worker, we'd have the talk, and maybe go over the details a few times, but we'd finally resolve the issue. With a toxic? We'd go over the same ground over and over and over again, until I finally give up and let them have their way, or until I say the hell with it and walk off:

TOXIC: Why did you let Client bring an ostrich in the house at 1am?? You know the guidelines!

ME: Well, Client was really stressed out, and having the ostrich in the room for a little while helps her relax.

TOXIC: Yeah, well, everyone's stressed out! I'm more stressed out than anyone else, and I don't get to do whatever I want, so you should have told Client no! Now everyone else is pissed off, and you're making everyone's day worse!

ME: Client had court today-- she didn't get the order of protection, so she was--

TOXIC: Oh, whatever. You're going to do whatever you want anyway, so I don't even know why I try to talk to you! It's just really unfair, the way you do things.

TLDR: Emotionally healthy people try to respect each other’s point of view, even when they disagree. (AKA, “I respect your right to be wrong.”) But a toxic person is so self-focused, they can’t accept any point of view that doesn’t 1000000000000000% agree with their own—and they generally take any disagreement as a personal attack.