And when we try to set boundaries, sometimes they’ll freak out, accusing us of trying to control them. And those of us who worry about being toxic ourselves sometimes avoid setting boundaries because of that.
But when we set boundaries, we’re not trying to make the other person change their behavior. We're changing our behavior, so that we can be emotionally and mentally healthy. They can do whatever they want-- but so can we.
So say you call your toxic, to try and have a semi-normal conversation….
TOXIC PERSON: (says something nasty)
YOU: When you say things like that, it's very hurtful / frustrating / fill in the blank.
TOXIC PERSON: (escalates / starts guilt-tripping / making excuses / whatever)
YOU: You have a right to your opinion, yeah, but it’s still very hurtful / frustrating / etc. So the next time you say something like that, I’m sorry, but I’m ending the call.
TOXIC PERSON: (accuses you of trying to control them)
YOU: No, you can say whatever you want. I just won’t keep listening.
TOXIC PERSON: (says That Thing, or something like it)
YOU: Okay. I’ll talk to you next week sometime, maybe Thursday or Friday. For now, good-bye. (end the call, block their number, refuse contact until Thursday / Friday / forever, rinse and repeat)
In the script above, you might offer to call back to establish limited contact. If they bombard you with texts, calls, etc., you don’t have to respond; or, if you do, all you have to say is, “I’ll talk to you again on X”.
Setting boundaries can be stressful, and exhausting. It may take time and practice to set them and enforce them and in the end, we'll probably hang up a lot more often than we keep talking. The people we’re dealing with will probably not make this easy, and that’s okay.
Again, it isn’t about making them change—it’s about changing our lives for the better.
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